In just a few days, we get the once-a-year opportunity to be a part of a massive global celebration of the Irish in all of us, no matter how much or how little Irish we all have flowing through the vast tributaries of our venous systems. St. Patrick’s Day, a Thursday this year, marks the day where every pub in LA will be filled to capacity with drinkers (experienced or newbs) arm in arm singing Irish chants they never thought they knew. All types of people all shapes and sizes will be dressed in outfits you had no idea could even come in green, as well as consuming clover-colored commodities such as green beer, green cookies, green food, green everything, and mostly Jameson…everywhere…whether you chose to see it or not. Tempted by the festive parties, creative green attire, delicious (yet not necessarily nutritious, but effing DELICIOUS) Irish cuisine, and copious amounts of booze and shenanigans, Americans this coming Thursday will have a hard time resisting proclaiming their 1/16th Irish in their bloodline.

 

It seems too good to be true, so why only once a year? Well, this question can be answered by taking your clickarooing device as well as two minutes out of your very VERY busy schedule and Wikipedia-ing that business, because quite frankly, this blog isn’t going to turn into a report on history of anything of the sort. However, it is important, so you can find all the fun-filled facts of the history of St. Patrick’s Day here (I’ve even made it easy for you! Hooray!).

 

Also, for those who don’t like to read words on a screen, here’s a video you can stare at for 3 minutes that will give you all the major points with some fun filled graphics and voices and stuff.

 

Now that you’ve got a few extra cookies in your cookie jar, it’s time to figure out what to wear to your St. Paddy’s shin dig.

 

Let’s start with what NOT to wear. I highly suggest avoiding all tacky green, clover covered, what some may claim to be “witty” phrase plastered t-shirts. Here’s a perfect example:

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WOW! I really want to cum…I mean come home with you and do unforgivable things, because your shirt has a shitty, overused euphemism that YOU didn’t even write! The more I look at just the image of this shirt, the more I continuously overflow small spurts of regurgitation in the back of my throat. I swear, if I see anybody wearing this shirt, I’m going to send 100,000 watts of fury into their chest with my pink cell phone taser.

 

This…

Ok, CLEARLY if you’re going to a bar on St. Patrick’s Day, you’re not going to need a gigantic, cheap, cotton bed sheet to scream at your bartender that you need something he’s been selling for the past 7 years to pay for his fizzled acting career. If you really think you do, then you don’t deserve to drink…ever…again.

 

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If you have no other choice or options, ie. your cat ate all of your green clothes and all you have left in your wardrobe is this green shirt, then this and ONLY this shirt is acceptable, because shenanigans.

 

If you’re planning on cooking up some traditional Irish cuisine, check out LA Time’s article Luck o’ the Irish: 15 St. Patrick’s Day Recipes for some yummy treats.

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Also, please do not hesitate to bring some of your creations to my place, because I will literally nom all things Irish for days, thank you! 😉

 

Lastly, my favorite part, the boozertons. If you’re planning on wreaking havoc perusing around from pub to pub, I highly suggest not ever ordering anything like this:

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I’m not exactly sure what this is, but all I know is if you order this at any bar, 1. your bartender will hate you, 2. your stomach will hate you, and 3. I will hate you because I can’t stop imagining what bizarre-o poopy diaper color mix that will make in your stomach post consumption.

 

Beer is safe, Jameson is relatively safe, and they’re both delicious and easy to serve. The answer is obvious.

 

All in all, no matter what you decide to do to celebrate your Patty’s Day festivities, we’ll all be in it together, enjoying the good company of our friends, and mostly shenanigans, and perhaps all of our Irish combined can finally make one whole number. If you choose to follow these steps (winning), you have the potential of having a more twisted, exciting, and overall better party, but then again, what do I know. The only Irish I have in me is from my……..annnnnd scene!

 

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